How to NOT Sound Like a Mental Patient When You're an ADHDer Responding to an Email
(Just Don't Do What I Do)
Dear Friends,
This is my Public Service Announcement of sorts for my ADHD friends reading this, as well as an explainer brief for my non-ADHDers/neurotypical friends reading this. We all recognize that self-awareness is mission critical to succeed in the world. However, self-awareness falls into the asscrack of societal cues when you have ADHD, a touch of the ’Tis, and think way too literally (as I do).
This has never been more glaringly apparent than when I re-read some of my mortifyingly epic email replies. Oversharing is a common trait of ADHDers. It’s also a deficit when you’re trying to cosplay as this I-have-my-shit-together consultant in the professional world (as I do). (In ADHD vernacular, pretending to be normal is called “masking.”)
Until an ADHD coach on Linkedin pointed it out recently, it had never dawned on me that when someone emailed with a simple question like, “What are you doing later?” they didn’t expect to receive this way-too-long, stream-of-consciousness reply from me:
“It depends on what time. Let’s see . . . when I leave work at 5 p.m., it will take me about 20 minutes to get home, then I’ll race to my hair appointment (I can’t cancel it because they’re too hard to get and my sparkles are starting to show along my part — good news, my hairdresser says I’m only 20% gray), so I’ll get there at about 5:40 p.m. (my hair appointment takes about 2.5 hours, but maybe 3 hours if we chat for a little afterwards), and then it will be another 20 minutes back home. So, would 9 p.m. be too late for us to get together?”
🎯Pro Tip, Neurotypicals: It’s a sure-fire sign you’re communicating with an ADHDer if there is at least one or more parenthetical comments within one paragraph.
I can’t speak for all ADHDers, but I know why I tend to overshare. I have a massive fear of being misunderstood. It’s happened a lot in my life. One hallmark of ADHD is having our occasionally offbeat behavior or words misinterpreted. It doesn’t help that we get 20,000 more negative messages from our parents, teachers, friends, and family by age 12 than neurotypicals. This triggers a precipitous freefall in our self-esteem and a colossal sensitivity to criticism, adding to our already baked-in RSD (Rejection Sensivity Dysphoria).
One of the most common ways we ADHDers are misunderstood is when someone assumes we’re trying to one-up them in a conversation. The neurotypical person might say, “You won’t believe what just happened — I just got my guitar stolen!” The ADHDer might respond with something like , “Oh, I’d believe it. I once had my purse stolen at the bank when my back was turned for just a second. It was a nightmare! It took me a month to cancel all of my credit cards and get it all straightened out!”
This is how an ADHDer empathizes. It’s never meant to be some bigger-dick competition, but unfortunately, it comes off that way.
So, how can an ADHDer avoid oversharing in an email? Here’s what I recommend:
Get your stream-of-consciousness reply written down and out of your system.
Do NOT hit the “Send” button.
Go back and delete almost everything you wrote.
Next, formulate a one-sentence reply. In the aforementioned example I gave about my hair appointment, I’d rewrite my reply as “I’m tied up until 9 p.m. — would that be too late?” (As God is my witness, I loves me some em dashes!)
Now, hit “Send.”
This concludes my Public Service Announcement on self-editing your emails. I hope this helps you.
P.S. Mark Twain did not originally say that whole thing about writing a short letter. It was Blaise Pascal, a French mathematician, physicist, and philosopher. The quote is:
"I have made this letter longer than usual because I lack the time to make it shorter."
In its original French, it reads:
"Je n'ai fait celle-ci plus longue que parce que je n'ai pas eu le loisir de la faire plus courte."
Brevity is not always quick and easy to achieve. But, my ADHD friends, BREVITY IS OUR FRIEND.